Dear sweet baby,

One year ago today my life changed forever. It was the day I found out I was going to be your mommy.

I call you my angel baby because you came straight from Heaven. I was told by many people that it was not the right time, that it was going to be too hard, that I didn't understand what I was getting myself into. I knew better. I knew that you were sent to me for a purpose. You saved my life, precious angel baby. I have not stopped thanking God for His perfect timing. I have not stopped thanking Him for you, and I never will.

Four months ago today I received the best gift anyone could imagine. At 5:21 AM you made your way into the world, weighing 7 pounds 13 ounces, 21.5 inches long. You were the most perfect thing I had ever laid eyes on. Your cry was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard in my life. 

I can't believe its already been four months. I can't believe I had to wait 20 years to meet you. You make me whole, Emmalee Ruth. I can't promise not to hurt you, disappoint you, fall short of your expectations, but I promise to always do my best not to. I will love you, Always and Forever, No Matter What. 

Thank you for saving my life, precious little one.

Happy four months!

I love you,
Mommy

Crunchy? Crunchy.

Having a baby has made me question everything. I read every label and I research everything. Some of my friends tell me that's a bad thing, and to some extent it is (I go a little Google crazy). My hyper-awareness has made me very aware and very skeptical about every "normal" baby product. I don't want chemicals and carcinogens and toxins any where near my precious little peanut (formaldehyde in Johnson and Johnson's?!) so I've decided to go the "Crunchy" route.

I ditched that commercial baby wash and made my own! I poked around the internet until I figured out the best recipe for me. It was really easy! Here's what you need

1 1/2 bars soap, grated (I used Toms)
1/2 gallon distilled water
1 1/2 T vegetable glycerin oil
Essential oil (I used lavender)
Color, if desired (I didn't)

In a large pot combine soap and water. Heat over low heat until soap is melted, stirring frequently. Remove from heat. Add glycerin, essential oil (no more than 25 drops) and color. Whisk until well combined (be prepared for bubbles!). I poured mine into a large tupperware container to cool at set, then transferred to mason jars for storage. All together, this probably cost around $10 (rounding up) to make, and will last a looong time. Far better for sweet baby skin, and great on the pocket.

So, you've heard how your antiperspirant is slowly killing you right? No? Well read about it here and here and breastfeeding moms here. So, I ditched the degree and made my own deodorant! I encourage you to kick the antiperspirant habit! Be warned, you're gonna stink. Your body actually has to detox from all the nasty chemicals! I used baby wipes and baking soda on my stinky pits for about a week, and then the stank disappeared! So, here's my deodorant recipe for you! I'm loving it! Thanks to Crunchy Betty for the inspiration

6 T coconut oil
1/4 cup baking soda
1/4 cup arrowroot (I used cornstarch, I've since found arrowroot is better)
Tea tree oil (optional)
     note: coconut oil and tea tree oil both have wonderful antibacterial properties and will help fight stank!
Melt coconut oil over low heat. Incorporate baking soda and arrowroot. Add 15-20 drops of tea tree oil. Place in a CLEAN container and let set in fridge. Goes on like a lotion. Oh, and added bonus, you'll smell like you're on a tropical vacation all the time (you could try to overpower the coconut smell with another essential oil, but its a pretty powerful scent)

Enjoy!

My Babywearing Adventures!

I love baby wearing! Seriously. African moms are just brilliant. There's only so much you can do with one hand.

I started out with a Moby. I bought this when I was still pregnant, and I was so excited to use it. Then, we tried it and she hated it. I was sad. (Please excuse the absolutely HORRIFIC picture)

So, I bought a Baby K'tan, which is basically a Moby, just pre-tied. We tried it and she hated it. I gave up baby wearing for a while and sold the Moby. My mom thought maybe Emmy didn't like to be confined (hated the swaddle), so I tried the K'tan legs out. She loved it! Yay!

The K'tan was short lived, however. Mommas who are planning to wear their babies in a K'tan please heed this warning. It is very important to make sure your Baby K'tan is sized properly and is not too stretched out, for your baby's safety. If your K'tan is too big, or has been worn too many times and has stretched out, it becomes extremely easy for the baby to slip into an unsafe position--which is what happened to us. Em slid down on my chest while she was sleeping and I heard her gasping for air. It was terrifying. It tightened right back up when I washed and dried it, but I only used it once after that. Too scary. Please be careful!

I decided to go for a mei tai as our next endeavor! I love it! It's my new secret nap weapon. I just pop her up on my back, walk around for a bit and she's out like a light! I wear her on the front in the mei tai too, but I don't have any pictures to share.

And lastly, my woven wrap! I wanted to try a woven wrap, but after our Moby experience I was afraid to spend the money (they're quite pricey) so I rented one! I looove it. I ended up purchasing a wrap (different from the one in the pictures). It should be here in a week! Yay! I'll be sad for the few days I'm wrap-less

Patience.

Patience

The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. 

Patience has always been something I've struggled with. I don't like to wait. I don't like to dawdle  I don't like when things aren't done the right way, the first time (does anybody, really?). Its (an annoying) part of my strong personality. Yet somehow, when it comes to being a mom, I have an outpouring of patience.

Where the heck does that come from?

On a difficult day, after I've dealt with hours and hours of frustration. When I'm ready to put my head through a wall, when I want to just scream. And then suddenly, there is my second (third, fourth) wind. And it starts all over.

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient...

Now, normally that verse is taken and used in a romantic sense, like at a wedding. But I don't think it was meant to only be interpreted that way. How much does God love us? How incredibly patient is He with us? If He can be patient with me, after all the crap I've done, I can certainly suck it up and work on getting my baby down for a nap just a little bit longer.

Because when I feel like that, when I am frustrated and irritated and annoyed, and she looks up at me with those gorgeous eyes and smiles... yeah, I can be patient.

Yay boobs!

We have been formula free for three days! Woop! I am ecstatic. I am officially making enough to completely satisfy my chunk butt (16lb!!). Now, I just need to start working on pumping and building a freezer stock! She simply refuses to drink formula at all now, so I definitely need to get a stash going.

I have also NIP twice this week, cover free! Once was at church in the dim cry room in the back row, but I still count it. Today, I nursed her during our Target outing. I attempted to nurse in the mei tai (which I'm loving, by the way), but she's not used to eating sitting up, so that didn't quite work. I ended up having to hold her and walk around the store. I definitely feel like a badass. The only part that was difficult was latching on while being discreet. I need to figure out how to pull my boob out and put the baby on without anyone seeing. Any tips on that would be appreciated!

Completely un boob related, I've been more aware of how much trash all these diapers create. Starting tomorrow, I'll be keeping track of how many diapers we go through in a week and calculating out the cost. I may consider a cloth diaper service. If it ends up less money, or around the same, I think I may go for it. I don't have the will (or the stomach) to launder the diapers at home. Anybody use a diaper service before? How did you like it?

I love my daughter.

You've been warned. This is about to get super cheese ball.

I love my daughter.

I know, duh.

This love is a completely unspeakable, overwhelming, breath taking love that jerks me down to the center of my being. I didn't know it was possible to have this much love for such a little person.

Sometimes, I look at her, and it wells up so big inside me that it spills over.

The first time I laid eyes on her, I held my breath and waited for that blissful cry. She looked like a goopy, red, pointy headed alien. She was beautiful.

When she wakes up, stretches her little baby legs, looks at me and gives me that gummy grin.

When she cries because I leave the room.

When she gets excited to see me walk back in the room.

When she reaches forward with those razor sharp baby nails to grab my nose.

When she follows me around the room with her eyes.

When she rubs her sleepy face all over me.

My life is not perfect. My situation is not ideal. Things could be better. But life as we know it, is beautiful.

I love my daughter.

Breastfeeding is a b*tch

Breastfeeding is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Harder than labor. Once I pushed that baby out, labor was over. Breastfeeding has been a constant battle.

Thanks to a comment from someone, I purchased a supplement called More Milk Plus by Motherlove. It has been my life saver. My milk supply is thriving. We're slowly weaning of the stupid nipple shield, and once that's gone I'm confident we will be 100% breast milk! Good thing, too, because this little turkey butt is refusing formula now. She gags dramatically when she realizes its formula she's drinking.

My only battle now is nursing in public (NIP). I absolutely hate the nursing cover. It makes it impossible for me. And I am ashamed to NIP because of some comments from family I've heard. Not towards me, but towards other people. I read a blog yesterday that made me feel really empowered to be a nursing mom! America is the only country that breastfeeding is not normal! It's my baby's right to eat wherever and whenever she is hungry. I'm "taking" a 7 day email correspondence course to become a "Badass Public Breastfeeder". I've only gotten one email so far, but it did  make me feel like a bad ass. We'll see if it really boosts my confidence. (Sign up to be a Badass Public Breastfeeder here)

Hope that helps some mommas the way its helped me. Happy Friday!