Taking Our Thoughts Captive

Disclaimer: This is rambly and all over the place. Sorry!
I also can't figure out why the format turned out so weird... Nothing I did fixed it! :)

One of my favorite things to do is sit and look at old pictures. I love piecing together the memory in the photograph, and taking myself back to that time, reliving Christmas or Thanksgiving or vacation. I love seeing the way our looks have changed over the years, or seeing the different backgrounds of the houses I grew up in.

But it doesn't take long before my mind is swirling with shame and disappointment.

I look back at those times, and take myself back to that place. I often find myself wishing for a do over. I wish I could just go back and do things differently. I was such an idiot. How could I have acted that way? Why did I do that? What was I thinking when I said that?! I was SO stupid! Why didn't I just listen? Why did I have to take the hard way?

I try to rationalize myself out of feeling like crap: If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't have Emmalee. I got a baby out of those choices. They led me to my sweetie.

But really, that doesn't help at all. I wouldn't give up my daughter for anything in the world, but I still feel incredibly crappy for the life choices I've made. 

This self abuse goes on for quite some time. The longer I sit and let myself think about it, the more things I think of that I've done wrong. The more things I think of, the harder it is to get the on top of my thoughts.

What good does it do to sit and dwell on what could have been? All it does is make me more miserable. I can't do anything about it now. All I can do is move forward.

Believing this is hard. Especially after hours and hours of abusing thoughts. I try to focus on favorite bible verses, try to plan meals, try to think song lyrics... But still, those vile words come bubbling back to the surface. I can't focus on anything else. I picture a fast flowing stream, water crashing over the surface of rocks, pressing anything on the surface down to the depths, because that's how it feels. Like I'm drowning in negativity. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, " and every arrogant obstacle that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to make it obey Christ." (NET). 

Arrogant obstacles. That's all these thoughts are. They are standing in between me and my quiet time with the Lord. They are hindering my ability to soak up the Word. They are an attack, coming against me, when I try to build myself up in Him.

So I press forward. I picture those abusive words in my mind, I lasso them up--literally take them captive--and send them where they belong. I pluck each one of those phrases or words out of the picture in my head, I pull them out, and I make them obey Christ.

I am smart. I am strong. I make good choices. I am proud of who I am. I am new.

I am free.